I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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