Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I touched a dick in church today
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
