Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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