Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
cat food counts as protein by the way
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize