You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
