Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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