My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Small penises have feelings too.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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