U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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