So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
