If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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