Where are you?
In a non slutty way
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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