I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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