I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
