Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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