Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
