He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
