I faked an abortion last night.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
