i permit you to call me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
this boner is exhausting
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
