i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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