someone threw a dead crab at me
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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