Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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