Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
