well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize