He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
