Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize