Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
