This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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