I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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