It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I wear drunk well.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
