My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
