You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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