You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Boobs speak an international language.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize