Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
