the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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