hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just high enough for therapy.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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