Got a toothbrush?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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