Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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