well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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