last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
