how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
