I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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