So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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