I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
