I want to have your abortion
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
