I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
