Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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