just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
