I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
