I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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