I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize