peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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