he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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