I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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