Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Randomize