I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
