i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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