i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
